Celebrating Father's Day stirs up a complex mix of emotions for those who have lost or become estranged from their dads. While the holiday offers an opportunity to honor beloved father figures, it can also painfully underscore their absence. For many, navigating fatherlessness is an profoundly personal journey - one filled with grief, solace, growth, and the echoes of fatherly wisdom.
As these three women's stories reveal, there is no universal roadmap for moving forward without a central paternal presence. Some find healing by carrying on their dads' legacies through meaningful work or cherished hobbies. Others establish new father-like bonds or take comfort in memories and rituals that keep their dads' spirits alive. And in some cases, the healthiest path forward involves lovingly but decisively limiting toxic paternal relationships.
No matter the circumstances, grappling with a father's death or estrangement requires grace, self-compassion and freedom from societal expectations about "the right way" to grieve. By opening their hearts, these women provide a poignant reminder to honor each person's individual experience - and to make space for the complex blend of emotions this day can unleash.
Rebecca Orr (Caledonia, Ontario)
Rebecca's father passed away 18 years ago when she was 36, leaving her feeling untethered without that central male presence and guidance.
"Living without that strong male presence can sometimes leave you feeling untethered to this world," she explains. "Even more so when you don't have either parent any longer as I discovered a year ago when my mom died!"
To honor her dad, Rebecca pursued a career supporting families dealing with loss and grief - something she never expected but now views as a tribute to her father. "Every family or loved one that I support is in honor of my father and my gratitude for all that he and his death taught me."
While her dad was "a man of few words", Rebecca still feels his quiet, reassuring presence. "For me personally, with the loss of my dad, I really just consciously and continuously carry him with me. Nothing special, he is just always there, his quiet presence on my shoulder, watching out for me."
One frustration Rebecca faces is when people minimize her grief, saying things like "You must be used to it by now" about her dad's death nearly two decades later. As she emphatically states, "I have not gotten used to him not being here to share in my life! All the things he has missed in those 18 years."
Her advice to others grieving an absent father is to "be gentle with yourself...It's uncharted territory and there is no one good way to do it! And reach out for support to those individuals who have the stamina to stick with you as you figure it all out."
Malory Sutton (Boca Raton, FL)
The absence of a father figure in one's life is an experience that takes many forms. For some, it arises from the tragic loss of a dad. For others, it stems from a conscious decision to estrange themselves from an unhealthy paternal relationship.
For Malory, being estranged from her father by choice has been a healthier path than having a relationship with him. "Significant life events make me wish I had a different father," she shares candidly. "It's complicated because he is still alive but I choose not to communicate with him."
While estranged from her dad, Malory has found herself growing closer to other positive male influences and role models. "It has made me closer and more appreciative of the good fathers in my life, such as my father-in-law and his brothers," she explains. Her advice to others in a similar situation is that "it's not selfish to take care of your own mental health and emotional well-being."
Rather than dwell on her absent and estranged father, Malory focuses on "enjoying the good times" and making new memories with supportive people in her life who provide that nurturing familial bond. When people suggest giving her father another chance, she wishes they understood that "if you are estranged from your parent by choice, sometimes this is healthier than having a relationship with them."
Laura Miller (Acton, ON)
For Laura, not having her father Joe around for major life milestones has left her feeling alone at times. "It can be really hard some days, when you see friends with their own fathers for support," she admits. "I wish he saw milestones like buying my first home, job promotions, adopting a new dog."
To feel connected to her late dad's spirit and memory, Laura surrounds herself with reminders and rituals that evoke his personality. "He inspired me and still continues to do so through his love of animals, acts of kindness and adoration of anything related to music," she shares. Laura will play notes on his old accordion, bake his favorite shortbread, listen to the classical music he loved, or watch his beloved spooky Halloween movies like The Shining.
"He showed me how to tie my shoes, change the part in my hair, play my first song on the piano," Laura reflects wistfully on the paternal guidance and "dad" moments he provided. "Speaking out loud helps sometimes, just to feel like he is near me."
While the grief remains, Laura has learned to shut out societal expectations and commercialism around Father's Day. "To me, I acknowledge Father's Day, but it's just another day. I celebrate Joe every day." When people tell her "He would want you to be happy" about her grief, she wishes they would simply ask about him and say "Tell me more about him" to keep his memory alive.
One of the most comforting things Laura can imagine is having the chance to tell her dad "I love you and I wish that everyone could have the love, support, compassion, and humor in their own relationships with their fathers, just like you showed me. Thank you for always being in my corner."
Her advice to others mourning a father is to "allow yourself time to grieve, allow yourself time to heal. In my 5th year without him, I still have some horrible days, and that's ok. I am going to be ok, and so will you. Trust your feelings and surround yourself with others who can empathize how you feel, and support you."
No Set Way to Grieve a Missing Dad: Embracing Empathy, Gentle Healing and Fatherly Wisdoms
For these three women and so many others, living in the absence of their fathers - whether due to death, estrangement, or other circumstances - has profoundly shaped their lives and senses of self. Some days it leaves them feeling untethered, melancholy, or deprived of that key paternal bond. Other days, they may feel empowered to blaze their own path, guided by their fathers' indelible influences and the rituals that keep their memories alive.
By sharing their stories and perspectives, they provide a reminder that there is no single way to grieve an absent father or approach Father's Day. The loss is a highly personal one. What matters most is finding solace in your own coping methods, being gentle with yourself through the grieving process and surrounding yourself with supportive people who can empathize.
So whether you're celebrating a beloved dad, honoring his memory, feeling the absence of that paternal presence, or determining how to approach a strained or estranged relationship this Father's Day, know that you're not alone. Have compassion for the paths that others have walked.
